Ever since A was born, I remember always wanting her to hit her next milestone. As a new mom, it was always so exciting and I couldn’t wait to see what she would do next. I didn’t rush her by any means (she’s actually always been one to do things on her own time so rushing her wouldn’t have mattered anyway) but with her being my first child, everything was a new experience. She was my big girl. I always knew the time would fly by but I didn’t realize exactly how fast until now.
Now that my baby days are over.
When E came along 2 years later, knowing she would be my last, I felt differently about her milestones; I wasn’t ready for any of them. I wanted her to be a baby, my baby, as long as possible. I used to joke that whenever she got up to start walking I would knock her over so she would stop. Lucky for me, I think God knew just how much my heart needed more baby days than I should have had because He kept her little longer than her sister was. She was my baby.
But my baby days are over.
See, Sweet E has always been petite and she’s always been snuggly. Her sister, on the other hand, was a giant and could never sit still. I remember when A was little I used to compare her to other people’s kids and was worried that she was “behind” on things – we even had her speech evaluated when she was 2 (she was fine). She grew fast. With E, she was actually delayed in speech and gross motor skills (probably because of her tumor, but we’ll never know for sure), and I was actually kind of glad; it meant that she got to be a baby longer. Don’t get me wrong, we got her physical therapy and she is now in speech therapy to help her catch up, but rather than be worried or concerned, I chose to cherish the additional “baby” time instead. It was easy to forget that she’s getting too old for bottles and pacifiers (both of which she still uses… oops). But, she’s really embraced her toddlerness lately, even though she’s technically been a toddler for almost a year.
My baby days are over.
Lady A will be 4 in a few weeks and Sweet E will turn 2 two days before. Soon I will find myself parting with bottles, pacifiers, baby toys, and diapers for good. Next on the horizon is potty training, pre-school (next year), Pre-K (next year), and life as a mom of little girls instead of a mom of babies. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don’t want to have any more kids, but I am so sad that my girls aren’t babies anymore. It’s like I woke up one day and my babies were gone. I feel like I didn’t have enough time. I needed longer, even though Sweet E gave me more time than I should’ve gotten.
Gone are the days of squishy babies, tiny clothes, midnight feedings, naps on my chest, baby noises, first giggles, first words, and Bumbo seats (those are the cutest, aren’t they?).
What lies ahead is exciting, no doubt. I love watching who my girls are becoming and am so excited to see what they will accomplish in their precious lives. I am thrilled that they are both healthy and will get to grow up, but that doesn’t take away the almost-grief I feel that came with the realization that they aren’t babies anymore.
My baby days are over.
And my mama heart is sad.