I Looked at Job Postings Today

I Looked at Job Postings Today

It’s 3:15 PM. My kids are napping. I just took a shower and brushed my teeth for the first time today and am currently eating a Hot Pocket for lunch. Wait, did I eat breakfast today? It’s been a rough one. Today was another one of those days.

Already on edge from not feeling well for a few days, I woke up feeling pretty irritable. I have both girls home with me all day two days per week. My life is 100% harder on those two days. All was going well fine until just before lunchtime. It was then that the quiet morning of laying around in our pj’s and watching way too much Curious George was replaced by fighting, crying, and screaming (theirs, not mine… not yet). Then it was lunchtime. My spoiled 2.5- year-old had to have the same spread as her sister but refused to eat any of it. Normally I would find some bad parenting workaround to get her to eat but not today. Today was the day she was going to listen, dangit. I am not the one today.

After time outs and tears, I ate part of her lunch (Hey, I guess I had breakfast after all) and forcefully threw the rest away. The kid wouldn’t budge and it was time to head upstairs to get my 4.5-year-old down for her nap. Thank God she still naps. She, of course, didn’t want to obey and so it was her turn to fuss and cry. I was way over it by this point.

I yelled. Again.
I screamed. Again.
I lost my crap. Again.

I literally hate myself when I do these things. It’s like a rage comes over me and I know how I’m supposed to act but I can’t seem to turn it off. I tell myself in the moment to stop but I can’t. I used to not see that ugly side of me when I worked full-time. But now I see it at least once a week and it’s always on the days both girls are home.

I’m not cut out for this.
I can’t hack it.
This is too much for me.
Surely, my gifts are best utilized in an office, not at home.
I’m way better with spreadsheets and org charts than I am with toys and tantrums.

Once the battle was over (I won) and my oldest was in her bed, I just stared at her sweet face. Sorry. So sorry for losing my temper again. So sorry for potentially breaking her little spirit with my impatience. So sorry for failing to be what she needs.

Guilty.

We prayed. I hugged her tight, kissed her head, and told her I love her. I do. I really, really do. Why can’t I be a better mom to her?

The little one and I headed downstairs. It was her turn for bed. I was still frustrated with her. Frustrated that she didn’t eat. Frustrated that she makes me rock her to sleep (which is totally my fault). Frustrated that her favorite words right now are “I do it” even though it means she’s learning and growing.

While we rocked, I scrolled through job postings. I thought about what life would be like if I headed back to the corporate world so quickly; it’s only been two months. Maybe I made a mistake by leaving. This is too hard.

I felt like a failure.
Today I failed. That’s just the truth.

I scrolled for a few minutes and I daydreamed. But then I closed the app.
Not today, Satan.

My sweet girl fell asleep on my chest and the house fell quiet. My spirit calmed. My anger and frustration lifted.

And I prayed.

It’s been a long time since I’ve really, truly prayed. But I’ve realized that my flesh is weak. So weak. I’ve always known that to be true but this at-home-mom thing has really shown me a side of myself I didn’t want to see. And I need God to help me through that.

My girls need me.
Here.
Right here where I am.
And I need them.

I’m sure I’ll look at job postings again. I’m sure I’ll long for the days when people actually did what I asked them to.
I’m sure I’ll fail again.

But I’m also sure that God chose me to be my girls’ mom. He chose me for them and them for me. God opened the doors to make this life change happen and for me to be here.

Here is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Share This Post:

38 Comments

    • Shannnon
      June 30, 2017 / 12:06 pm

      Aw! Sending you some right back!! Chin up, Mama!!

  1. June 8, 2017 / 11:37 pm

    This post is so real. I and other moms can relate to this and appreciate your honesty. It’s a beautiful thing being a mom but it can be quite the challenge.

    • Shannnon
      June 9, 2017 / 12:50 am

      Thank you for reading! And yes, so so challenging! Thanks for the support!

  2. June 8, 2017 / 7:48 pm

    Love the transparency in your words. I have been there so many times. It’s definitely a tough job. Thankfully God helps carry us through. Your doing an amazing job. Thank you for sharing your heart. 💛

    • Shannnon
      June 8, 2017 / 8:33 pm

      Yes He does! Thank you so much for your kindness and for reading!

  3. June 8, 2017 / 7:25 pm

    Thank you for sharing exactly how I feel most days

    • Shannnon
      June 8, 2017 / 7:40 pm

      Thank you for reading! We’re all in this together!

  4. Jenna
    June 8, 2017 / 7:09 pm

    I love your honesty in this post!

    • Shannnon
      June 8, 2017 / 7:40 pm

      Thank you! Thanks for reading.

  5. June 8, 2017 / 2:22 pm

    I know that rage all too well and then I’m just so sick with myself after. It’s not easy, but I have to hold on to God and remember that I, we, are who He chose for this!!!

    • Shannnon
      June 8, 2017 / 4:10 pm

      I’m so glad it’s not just me! It can be so hard, right? Thanks, girl!

  6. June 8, 2017 / 11:58 am

    So raw and emotional and so incredibly relatable. Thank you for sharing and reminding me that this where I am supposed to be.

    • Shannnon
      June 8, 2017 / 4:11 pm

      Thank YOU so much for reading! We’re in this together!

  7. June 7, 2017 / 9:39 pm

    Shannon this speaks to every mom. AND, you said it best you were meant to be their mama. You are your girl’s perfect mama no matter what. I have had to ask for my girls forgiveness more times than I can count! Thank you for sharing your heart. 😘

    • Shannnon
      June 8, 2017 / 4:16 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and for your encouragement!

  8. June 7, 2017 / 2:13 pm

    I’m wiping tears from my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing your heart, your struggles and your takeaways. Truly, God is using your gifts in so many ways through this blog and your girls are very blessed to have you at home with them, even on hard days.

    • Shannnon
      June 8, 2017 / 4:17 pm

      Thank you SO much, Ashley! I’m so happy to be connected to you and appreciate your encouragement so very much. Grateful for you! Thanks for reading! xo

  9. xokerry
    June 7, 2017 / 12:28 am

    Thanks for sharing this Shannon! It’s nice to know that hard days are had by all. Our 2.5 year olds sound a lot a like. Here’s to a better tomorrow!

    • Shannnon
      June 7, 2017 / 12:54 am

      Thank you, Kerry! It really is great to know it’s not just you (or me)! Cheers to a better tomorrow!

  10. We're the Joneses
    June 6, 2017 / 10:22 pm

    I have been here so many times! This is the HARDEST job there is! I love your honesty and raw-ness. I don’t have any advice. Just know that you are not alone. I’m right there with you!

    • Shannnon
      June 7, 2017 / 12:05 am

      Thank you so much, girlfriend! It always helps to know we’re not alone, right?

  11. Heidi
    June 6, 2017 / 9:43 pm

    Someone once told me, ‘I never realized how selfish I was until I got married, and I never realized how angry I was until I had kids.’ So true.

    I hear you about that rage that just wells up and it comes out before you can stop it. But we’re human. That sin nature rears its ugly head. We’re teaching our kids humility when we apologize–we all mess up. I have had my share of meltdowns this week, too. Praying for you, friend. Greater is He that is you than he that is in the world. His mercies are new every morning! His grace is made perfect in weakness.

    • Shannnon
      June 6, 2017 / 9:46 pm

      THANK YOU, Heidi! I’ve never heard that saying but man oh man is it true! Thank you for the encouragement and good word, my friend! xo

  12. Karyn
    June 6, 2017 / 8:05 pm

    At-home mom life has so many frustrations you can’t expect. Keep leaning on Jesus when those moments come. I recently told some friends that being a mom has been the most sanctifying (read point-out-the-faults-I-never-knew-I-had-to-work-on-them) process in my life. No matter which way you continue this journey, remember that children are resilient, and being real in front of them is much better than being “perfect”. Hugs!

    • Shannnon
      June 6, 2017 / 9:31 pm

      Sanctification is right! Thank you SO much for reading and for your encouragement!

  13. June 6, 2017 / 7:33 pm

    Oh my, this is so raw and gutsy. We all have these days and if more moms talked about them, then we wouldn’t feel so guilty. I needed to read this today and I think I need a good pray, too.

    • Shannnon
      June 6, 2017 / 9:32 pm

      Thank you for reading, Brenda! I think it’s so important to share all sides of motherhood – the good, bad, and ugly. This is my ugly. I hope you get your good pray!

  14. June 6, 2017 / 7:25 pm

    Oh honey, I’m sorry. You’re not alone…and you’re doing a great job…a perfect job for your girls. Keep your chin up and keep plugging along. And show yourself the same amount of grace that you show them…thinking of you!

    • Shannnon
      June 6, 2017 / 9:33 pm

      Definitely not a perfect job by any stretch but thank you SO much! I appreciate you!

  15. June 6, 2017 / 6:10 pm

    Oh goodness, this hits so hard today. It’s been a tough, tear filled day for everyone around here. Guilt hangs heavy on me for completely losing it more than once. I just wanted to say, you’re not alone and thanks for sharing because I needed it.

    • Shannnon
      June 6, 2017 / 9:34 pm

      Thank you, Amber! You’re not alone either, girl! We all have these days! I hope tomorrow is better!

  16. June 6, 2017 / 5:55 pm

    You are not alone. I am not a SAHM but there are still days I lose my cool. Scream. Yell. Plead. Just need a moment to try and collect some of my sanity back and of course a soon as the moment is over, I feel like such a failure as a mom. All I can do is try to be better next time. Sending much love to a fellow mommy.

    • Shannnon
      June 6, 2017 / 9:35 pm

      Thank you for reading and for sharing! We’re all just doing the best we can, even if the ugly comes out sometimes! Much love to you, too!

  17. June 6, 2017 / 5:05 pm

    My thoughts exactly, momma. I had the same day of frustration and guilt – thanks for putting it into words.

    • Shannnon
      June 6, 2017 / 9:36 pm

      Oh girl! I’m so sorry to hear that! I hope tomorrow is better for both of us. I know it will be. Sending love your way!

  18. June 6, 2017 / 4:14 pm

    Those days are hard and had by all moms. Heck if you only have one meltdown per week I’d say you’re already doing better than me and I DO work full time still!! Give yourself grace mama, take some ibuprofen and a nap too. You’re not alone.

    • Shannnon
      June 6, 2017 / 9:37 pm

      Hahaha! AT LEAST one. Thank you for all the love and support, my friend. Grateful for you!

I love to hear from you!